I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
