i think my tv is drunk
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
