she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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