It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
