bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
