we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
