dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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