just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize