Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
we should paint friendship bongs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
