You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
