i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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