This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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