you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
