The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
