Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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