I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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