dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
