And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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