You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
