Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
