So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
