Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
