Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
