I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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