i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Barsexuality is the new black.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
