Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
