and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
