Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
