I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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