Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You can't motorboat a personality
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
