Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
