The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
