mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
