I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it's like iHOP with fire
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
