when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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