Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
