Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
