my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
