It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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