I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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