this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
