Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
