smell my finger.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
