I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
