a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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