A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
