I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
