My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
