apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
