He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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