i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
