WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
