I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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