I cut my penus on the lid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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