drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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