I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
