i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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