A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
