You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
