btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
