Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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