Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
