I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
