Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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